By Seyi Igunsabi
The question, ‘Is sex after traditional marriage right or wrong?’ has come up again and again in many circles and seminars. Young people who are about to get married always ask whether there is anything wrong with an engaged couple sleeping together after their traditional marriage. Frankly, this question is actually uncalled for, if those who are concerned mean well regarding it. It’s like a graduate who resides in Nigeria and intends to work in Nigeria asking if serving in the NYSC (National Youth Service Corps) scheme is necessary.
For non-Nigerians reading, the NYSC is a mandatory post-graduate one-year service to the nation that actually qualifies you for the academic-based job selection process in Nigeria. Of course, that is a clear rhetorical question. Similarly, I believe most, if not all, who ask whether having sex after traditional marriage is right or not know the answer they seek.
But for the sake of clarity, I want to address it elaborately here and now as a minister of the gospel. Perhaps it will save all and sundry from the headache and confusion this needless, often-asked question creates. However, before I proceed, I must point out that my submission here cuts across every place and people of worship on the globe who believe in the word of the Bible and represent Christ Jesus in truth and in spirit. Anything contrary cannot be said to reflect the values we uphold in this kingdom of righteousness, peace, and justice.
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Let me state without mincing words that traditional marriage is perhaps the most acceptable and fundamental form of marriage. In fact, it is also biblically supported, as we see in the cases of Jacob, Leah, and Rachael, and between Dina (the only daughter of Jacob) and Shechem. In these cases, dowries were offered as bride prices: Gen. 24:52 & 53, 29:18-30, 34:11 & 12.
As a matter of fact, unless traditional marriage rites are fulfilled, no church is expected to proceed to further join the couple in the church, also known as a white wedding.
For emphasis, ideally, no couple should be joined at the altar of a church unless they have satisfied the dowry and family rites. If this is not done, then the couple is not married in the sight of God; they are merely joined by a man. Furthermore, the woman in question can be referred to as a stolen bride. All of this applies to committed Christians who plan to have a white (church) wedding. It is also important to point out that any Christian couple who plans to have a white wedding must be prepared to be joined in holy matrimony (that is, without any record of sexual sin while engaged), having satisfied the rites of traditional marriage.
So, it is unacceptable for an engaged couple to start sleeping together after the traditional rites have been completed if they still intend to have a white wedding in a Bible-believing church. Please also understand that if you are having a white wedding, it is almost as important as your traditional marriage. That is why there are boundaries you must not cross, such as having sex.
However, if after you’ve paid your wife’s dowry you want to start living and sleeping together, no Bible-believing church or pastor will ever oppose that. It’s fine. But it simply implies you can’t be joined at the altar again. An altar wedding requires some sort of spiritual decorum, decency, and chastity because you are being joined before the Holy God (particularly in His house, as it were). That is the general church tradition.
For clarification, there are church practices/traditions that have been entrenched in the church system from the beginning, which no mortal has the power to query. You are either in or out. If we consider the scriptures, there were things the brethren did then that were known as church traditions, just like we have our village/town traditions. See 2 Thess. 3:6.
“But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the TRADITION which he received from us.”
This scripture did not enumerate the constituents of the tradition, but it included some elements in addition to the things that were written to them as scriptures. And they were forced to keep them. Similarly, the church then evolved into the church now, and we have our traditions too, one of which is the white wedding (Holy Matrimony). It is not by force, but nobody can dictate how we should carry out our church traditions, just as we cannot change the modern-day traditions of people and places. Of course, I am talking about those that are not contrary to the word of God.
That is why there is nothing wrong (it’s in order) if you want to start living together as a couple after the traditional marriage, provided that you have no plans to proceed to a white wedding. This does not desecrate a couple in any way; you are both still heaven-bound children of God. Your union is blessed by God if you have kept yourselves before the dowry was paid. However, you may ask the pastor to allow you to have a special Thanksgiving on an agreed-upon date when the church’s blessing will be pronounced upon you. But for any supposed Christian couple to assume that after traditional marriage rites (dowry) have been paid, they can have sex with each other and still enroll for a white wedding, that is not acceptable in Christendom. It amounts to an abuse of the church’s authority and tradition as well.
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Just like there are requirements for court weddings and demands for traditional marriages, the church, as a responsible and accountable institution, also has its own requirements for white nuptials. So you either meet them or leave them. There is no need for the whole hullabaloo that some people try to create when it comes to issues like this. Appearing before God’s altar with a defiled body is sinful because it is supposed to be Holy Solemnization, isn’t it?
Hence, as a couple, you have the prerogative to decide what you want for your marriage plan. So, if you choose to have just a traditional marriage (of course, your sanctity ought to be intact with respect to this too as true children of God) and probably registry wedding, thereafter becoming husband and wife, it’s welcome.
In other words, if you have no plan to have a church wedding and the dowry has been paid, you are good to go. You are lawfully married. However, if you plan to do all three, then give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and give unto God (the church of Christ) what is God’s. There is no need for unnecessary disagreement over this or asking a rhetorical question about whether sex after your traditional marriage is right or wrong.
©️ MAGI
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Very apt explanation on dowry, traditional and church wedding as a whole.
May your anointing not go dey.
Weldone sir
Oh, so grateful. I am encouraged. Thank you very much.
Wonderful! Great teaching, well handled
Thank you Pastor. God bless you sir.
Pls kindly share sir. Just copy the link by clocking on the three dots at the top right of the post on Facebook page that brought you here, then click copy link in the options and share anywhere. Thank you so much.
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pastor thank you so much for such wonderful clarification may God bless you
I thank God my brother, you know our God is not an author of confusion. Thanks.
Thank you for your exploring on this subject, but for me, i disagree with your opinion, pondering the story of rubekkah genesis 24:51-60, vs 59 they ask her will you go with him? she said yes, and the blessing from the family came in vs 60, you see Christianity give right for woman to be taking only if he paid her bribe price, which i am very sure every traditional marriage give avenue of blessing from the both parent, white wedding is an opportunity for us but is not even biblical, if you read the very carefully you will realize that the way of marriage is individuals, new testament encourage wives submit to your wives, and husband love your wives as Christ love the church, pastor with due respect i want you to provide verses that talk about white marriage? or where this teaching is coming from that after your traditional marriage with fully paid bride price you cant touch your wife? matt 19:4-16 ask the man leave and clave to his wife so also to the woman, these come when you fulfill the bride price payment, i suggested we shall allow the young ones to marry and avoid sexual sin in our churches, as far i am concern if you pay your bride price fully your married, we shall not keep members under sage of sin, pretending to be whole but not. how many apostles join marriage in the bible? how many pastor does that in the bible? the primary assignment of every pastor is not to suggest how marriage shall be bless whether by pastor or by family, i can tell you the blessing of marriage come from the parent the day they collect bride price of their daughter, not by any pastor, because doctoring allows that we shall not make it necessity may be because we are longing for token. finally if you pay your bride price she is your wife, go ahead with her it is biblical.
I am personally disappointed with your comments here because it shows you are someone that do not listen to others before you respond to them.
All you have accused me of here cannot be pointed out in my write up and all you have affirmed, I also affirmed. So what exactly is the problem? Kindly read through again. God bless you.
Apt
Thank you sir. Please share.
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This is a good write up. Thank you for your views. It’s a balanced views. You touched every side of the topic.
I think in the body of Christ or in the church we to let our members understand the most important thing for marriage – which is the agreement between the couple to be and also between the two families where downy is paid.
This is the bible standard that we know. But we have turned everything into a party today without doing the necessary things.
I have seen a Christian couple who went to court and also did church marriage without the parents of the wife. They rented a mother for the wife.
They did not have sex before the church wedding but they did not do what is so important before going to church which is the two families agreeing and dowry paid over the wife.
To me and according to the bible, a court wedding is even second to a church wedding.
Because the bible clearly teaches us to obey the laws of the land in all we do.
Christians should begin to know that the eye service ceremonies we do in the church will not hold waters even if they did not have sex before wedding if they did not settle the families side..
And also even for a traditional wedding, we don’t need all the noise and all the money we spend.. A simple parlor gathering of families can do that and agreement is reached and Downey paid. Then they get down to their lives and marriage.
Pastor’s blessing can be arranged there after. Their wedding is holy before the Lord because they fulfilled the bible standard of families coming together to agree.
In the case of Rebecca it was even one person that stood for Abraham and his family – his servant.
I’ll be happy if we let Christians know that all the noise and all the monster try gather are just not necessary if we fail to satisfy the families angle.
Great and good feedback. Thank you.