The causes of a hellish marriage are nothing more than everyday life occurrences and interactions between couples. It’s just that they are often mismanaged which results in misplaced priorities and the misappropriation of the marital relationship.

It is not a joke or fluke to say that what some married persons are experiencing in marriage in our days is nothing but hellish. In the words of a renowned Pastor in Nigeria, West Africa, Dr Daniel Olukoya: “a bad marriage can be described as hellish.”

Although it’s unfortunate and pathetic that some marriages are hellish, horrible and dreadful to either or both partners in the union, nonetheless, marriage was not intended to be like that by God when He thought of it and instituted it. The truth is, in most situations the causes of a hellish marriage are preventable if couples are willing and determined to make marriage what God intended it to be for mankind at creation. A union of purpose, peace, progress, fulfilment and prosperity.

In this piece, I have discussed seven out of the several causes of a hellish marriage and how couples instigate it, consciously or unconsciously.

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1. Giving room to your partner to find it difficult to trust you from time to time could make your marriage hellish and horrible.

Perhaps nothing destroys or destabilizes a marital union like an obvious absence of trust in either or both parties to a relationship. Trust goes beyond just being unfaithful to your spouse, like having extra-marital affairs and acting dubious. Trust is the problem when your spouse does not have confidence in you as a progressive or well-meaning partner, which may be due to a track record of unsavoury and self-serving attitudes you put up in the union.

Lack of trust seems to destroy the foundations of many marriages and homes almost effortlessly. Once substantive trust is found wanting in a marriage, both parties bring themselves under serious emotional and mental torture among other things because they become afraid and suspicious of each other’s actions always.

2. Speaking derogatory and unkind words to your spouse at will whenever there is an offence or misunderstanding between both of you can make a union hellish.

The last person you would want to speak unkind and defaming words to is your spouse. Remember, death and life, failure and success, hatred and favour, health and sickness- are in the power of the tongue. So how would you willfully curse or insult your spouse from time to time and still be dreaming of a heaven-on-earth marriage or home? Such words coming from you to your spouse or from your spouse to you are like swords piercing through the flesh. They could be emotionally tearing and mentally disturbing. Some married people even go as far as speaking unkind words against their spouses in the circle of friends, neighbours and relations just to taunt them. Indulging in a spousal mess of words like this breeds a deep hatred and bitterness of heart in a spouse which can last throughout all days of the marriage. It also makes a person lose every iota of respect for their spouse.

3. Giving the driver’s seat of your marriage to your relations, concerned friends and even so-called partisan spiritual leaders will never birth a haven of marital bliss.

Any marriage, where extended family members and friends dictate the rules of engagement to a couple contrary to their mutual agreement will suffer more disintegration than record reasonable progression. Marriages flourish when couples are allowed to be primarily responsible for their decisions and actions regardless of whoever has concerns for them.

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Ideally, no one should make their counsel or opinions appear as a standing order to a couple, more often than not, such are manipulative and disruptive in an atmosphere of marriage as God intended.

4. Seeing your spouse as an antagonist and anti-progressive partner and relating with them as such will always result in a turbulent marital affair.  

Even the word of God says a house divided against itself can not stand. Seeing your spouse as an antagonist or consciously working against your spouse’s dreams and aspirations can not produce a progressive and blissful union. Not only that, you yourself will be seriously limited in the long run because a goal against your spouse is an own goal. No point comes to you in the real sense of it. Be wise.

5. Sweeping offences under the carpet, more often than not and always finding it difficult to resolve your conflicts as a couple can trigger hellish experiences in your marriage.

These leave you more divided in many ways than encouraging oneness which is vital and highly beneficial to building a robust union and home. Any institution or system bereaved of peace of mind can not prosper in the long run and will soon become non-existent. This is the same with marriage.

No marriage can be healthy, strong and exhibit vitality without an ample dose of forgiveness and incessant peaceful resolutions between a couple. Any marriage where conflict resolution is sufficiently discouraged can not stand the test of time.

6. Making decisions that directly affect the family, your spouse or yourself in isolation can lead to a hellish marital relationship.

This attitude has tarnished many couples’ marital joy and success before their very eyes. Some couples have become sworn enemies on this premise. Marriage is a union of two that has been fused into one entity. So mutual understanding and interests are the basis for maximizing a union-like marriage. Anything short of that will provoke inhibiting tendencies. Some even make major family decisions without the knowledge of their spouse which later results in devastating outcomes. Instead, they would carry along their extended family members and close associates except for their spouses.

This attitude is totally unacceptable and inimical to marital success and a blissful home setting.

7. Placing close relations, parents and friends above one’s spouse has accounted for more broken marriages and homes than a few other inimical factors.

The marriage order as set by God forbids this. Perhaps that is why a lot of marriages fall apart and breed irritation among erring couples. After a proper and legal wedding, one’s spouse is the most important person in life and marriage, judging by God’s principles of marriage. Any attempt to alter it always spells doom and severe consequences for couples and marriages. I have seen a few marriages that crumbled owing to this mistake in marital affair order. Almost all married persons feel cheated and used wherever this happens couple and the ‘competing third party’ .

Marital relationships are the deepest, closest and most sensitive affairs anyone can get involved in. This is why parents, siblings and friends except for one’s spouse, are all relations and acquaintances and not covenant partners. Also, marriage happens to be the only sane and true covenant relationship anyone can have with another individual on earth. So, once you get engaged with a person in a marriage covenant, it is natural and perhaps psychological to give such a person the highest place in your heart and life. Now when this is challenged or changed for whatever reason, the victim-spouse, more often than not, is bound to resist it vehemently and jealously. And this resistance always comes with dire consequences which could be hellish.

– Seyi Igunsabi-Perez
(Family Life Practitioner, Relationship Manager, Marriage Counsellor & Seminar Facilitator)

☎️ 0701 020 0027, 0803 308 1837
📩 seyiigun4christ@gmail.com
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©️ MAGI

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